Tuesday, June 20, 2006

i really wish that god is just seated right infront of me. so that i can hug him and tell him all my problems. serious. i'm so so tired. feeling so stressed up. i really dont know who to turn to.

the problem is this. the relationship between my mum and i is getting out of hand. and i hate it totally. it is like. i cant please her. it seems like everything that i do is wrong. IN HER EYE.

and i dont understand WHY she CANT understand. to her, her tze chi is VERY important. but apparently to me, that is not the case. DUH. first prob is the religious thingy. secondly, it is that i DONT like to go there. i dont know how to put it to her, because she's like so INTO it till everything of it is RIGHT. which kinda broke the communication bridge that connects me to my mum. WHATEVER!!.

i know that you shouldnt speak ill of your mum, i'm not. but just stating some things about my mum that i couldnt adknowledge. the problem is this, ever since the whole rehearsal starts. the problem starts too. she began to be more concern about whether i go for rehearsal more than anything, including me. soemtimes when i cant make it for rehearsal, like for training or game. she gets angry, cuz she thinks that i'm irresponsible and i should place rehearsal as my first piority. i tired to explain. she thinks i'm being rude by speaking back. fine. i keep quiet. which is SO-NOT-ME. things got worse till the extent that my mum and i stop talking.

i know she's angry because of the rehearsal thingy. but come on, i do have things that is much more important than it. it's okayy. so ii told the person-in-charge that i'm sorry, i really cant make iti for every rehearsal. i'll still try to make it whenever i can, but meanwhile, if they happen to find any replacement of me. please feel free to do so. THANK GOD. they managed to.

this is great, i thought. because i thought that even it's a bad thing that i wont be able to perform, but at lease she wouldnt have to answer to people why i cant make it for this and that. agree? but nothing of such happen. the silent remains, in fact, quarrel came in. it became a daily issue. over small matter. she REFUSE to talk to me in a normal tone. she started talking very sacarstically. she started commenting on everything that i do. i really wanted to shout back. but i dont want to. because i know that if i shout back, she will think of christianity as someone with no manners and stuff. you understand?? so i didnt shout back. and often those HURTFUL words she use on me really brought tears to my eye.

i tried to please her. i'll do things like playing her favourite song on the com. try to talk to her nicely. but she dont give a damn. and now, i'm down to a solution. and that is to be out whenever she's at home. meaning go out before hse comes home and get back home after she's asleep. i'm so tired lord. when wil this stop?? i dont like to stay out so late and long doing nothing. i liek to stay at home watching tv with my mum adn joke with her. GOD. can you bring those days back again?? i'll breakdown if this were to continue.

god. i want her to see you through me lord. i want her to witness the changes you've done on me lord.


i'm crying in despair

nicole farted at
x12:37 AM